Bodybuilders, Frogs, Aliens, Trolls, and More
Here's what's been happening on the Suburban Pagans website
They say websites are over, but then, I still watch movies from the 1920s, so what can ya do? Here are some of the latest posts on the Suburban Pagans site, as I continue to revise, revive, and repair some of Teleport City reviews.
Spacehunter: Adventures in the Forbidden Zone
Wolff is one of the best bounty hunters in the galaxy, at least if you don’t count that guy from Critters. His task, should he choose to accept it, is to rescue a spaceship full of interstellar supermodels. Why this is such an important mission escapes me. Wolff, to his credit, doesn’t think this mission is all that important either, but it pays well, and he is strapped for cash.
Forbidden World
A remote research lab is sending a distress call, and only one man can get to the bottom of whatever those pesky eggheads are up to: Mike Colby. Answering a distress call from a mysterious research colony in a movie called Forbidden World should conjure up memories not just of the crew from Alien answering a mysterious distress call, but also of the granddaddy of all “space guys answer a mysterious distress call” movies — Forbidden Planet.
The Maze
The Maze depends heavily on atmosphere. For the bulk of the movie, very little actually happens. Small tidbits are thrown the viewer’s way to keep them interested — a fleeting glimpse of a glistening creature, a weird webbed footprint, the frequent foreboding stares of the butlers.




Ravenhawk
As a child, young Rhyia Shadowfeather witnesses her shaman mother and father murdered by a gang of white men who want to remove the Shadowfeathers, who are opposed to the construction of a shoddy power plant on reservation land. The white guys include Mulder and Scully’s X-Files boss (Mitch Pileggi) and the undisputed king of playing smug pricks, William Atherton.
Dark Purpose
Shirley Jones is charming enough and attired in a colorful array of gorgeous dresses, but for much of the film she’s given little to do but putter around some well-decorated living rooms and make a concerned face when Cora shows up from time to time to rant at her.
Troll Hunter
Usually, the trouble with trolls is minimal. Hans and the organization for which he works don’t understand why the trolls are suddenly running rampant and out of control. Hans does his job, but he’s not particularly happy about killing trolls. He wants to figure out what’s happened to rile them up.
Bio Zombie
There is the usual procession of screaming and running and hiding, and of course, beloved friends getting the zombie bite put on them. Eventually, Wood and Ruby are the last two standing and must face off with the living dead in the parking garage as they attempt to escape, only to discover that things are a lot worse than they thought.




Ninja Mission
It’s obvious from the start that Mats Helge has done his homework. Ninja Mission begins with everything you would want from a Western ninja movie: ninjas throwing guys into empty boxes, the “black silhouettes against red background” opening credits, and of course the synth version of generic “oriental” music.
Fireball
Fireball is about the high-stakes world of full contact, to the death, muay thai basketball lorded over by organized crime bosses whose status among the ranks of the criminal underworld seems tied less to how they run their criminal ventures and instead is entirely dependent upon how well their fireball team does.
Centurion
Neil Marshall has basically been making the same movie his entire career, tweaking the formula here and there, refining the process, but ultimately still turning in survival horror about a group of well-trained individuals who find themselves facing overwhelming odds behind enemy lines.
Gangs of Wasseypur
No one seems to benefit from the power they amass. No one suddenly lives an incredible super-criminal jet-set lifestyle. They live marginally better off than the people around them, but with a much higher chance they will be randomly shot in the head at some point. At the end of the day, none of it seems to have been worth it for them.
You can find all of those and everything else I’ve moved over so far as part of the Teleport City Dossier.